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Perth Quotes

During Easter Week of 1982, I was serving aboard the USS Drum (SSN-677) and we made a port visit to Perth, Australia. I had occasion to visit an Apple Computer store and was given the gift of 27 pages of Computer Taglines. After 33 years, I return these gems to the Internet.

If a man will go as far as he can see, he will be able to see farther when he gets there.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
—Donald A. Metz
If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself some dope will do it.
—Eric F. Russell
If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
–Richard A. Leary
If at first you don’t succeed, transform your data set.
If at first you don’t succeed, fry, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about things.
—W.C. Fields
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy Civilization.
—Gerald Weinberg
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If facts do not conform to theory, they must be disposed of
—N.R.F. Maier
If good intentions are combined with stupidity, it is impossible to outthink them.
I —Marion J. Levy Jr.
If humanity profits from its mistakes, we have a glorious future coming up.
If it can be understood, it’s not finished yet.
—Paul Herbig
If it is generally known what one’s supposed to be doing, then someone will expect him to do it.
—Merle P. Martin
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it works well, they’ll stop making it. If it works, don’t fix it.
—William O’Neill
If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians are delighted; musicians are denoted; cowboys are deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
—Virginia Ostman
If our standard of living gets much higher, most of us won’t be able to afford it.
If thou hast a loitering servant, send him forth on errand just before his dinner.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Lawrence J. Peter
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostilities
If you are concerned about being criticized, you’re in the wrong job. However you vote, and whatever you do, somebody will be out there telling you that you are: (a) wrong, (b) insensitive, (c) a bleeding heart, (d) a pawn of somebody else, (e) too wishy-washy, (f) too unwilling to compromise, (g) all of the above–consistency is not required of critics.
Pierre S. du Pont
If you are to understand others, and have them understand you, know all the big words but use the small ones.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation.
If you can’t beat them, have them join you.
—Charles Wolf Jr.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
—Harry S. Truman
If you develop rules, never have more than ten.
Donald Rumsfeld
If you don’t like the weather, move.
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he’ll get rich or famous or both.
—James C. Hagerty
If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you.; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.
If you pick up a dog and make ham prosper he will not bite you. This is the basic difference between dogs and humans.
—Mark Twain
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
—Derek Bok
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, set a committee working on it.
—Charles F. Kettering
If you were a character string, your length would be zero.
If you were confident after you’ve just finished an exam, it’s because you don’t know enough to know better.
—Jay Weisman
If you’re ever right, never let ’em forget it.
—Edgar Fiedler
If your parents didn’t have any children, the odds are that you won’t have any,
Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools
—Napoleon Bonaparte
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
In God we trust. All others pay cash.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take a man months to equal it.
In an undeveloped country don’t drink the water; in a developed country don’t breathe the air.
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. —Laurence J. Peter
In 1ife there is but one bad thing and one good; both of them are women.
In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something
—Harvey Neville
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don’t need it.
—John Cameron
In order to keep engineers and scientists cognizant of the importance of progress, load them down with forms, multiple reports, and frequent meetings
—Richard F. Moore
In order to make a person covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.
—Samuel Clemens
In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world. not to the man to whom the idea first occurs.
—Sir William Osler
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
–Franz Kafka
In times of crisis it is of utmost importance not to lose one’s head.
–Marie Antoinette
Infant care has to be learned from the bottom up.
Inflation is when the only thing free of charge is a rundown battery.
Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upwards.
—Paul Gray
Interrogator’s lunch–grilled cheese.
—Raymond D. Love
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
—Henry Allen
It is better to burn out than fade away.
—Neil Young
It is better to have nothing to· do than to be doing nothing
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.
—Anatole France
It is customary for a decimal to be misplaced.
It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is good that the young are beautiful; it’s the only advantage they have.
—Duchess of Windsor
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to make people understand their ignorance, for it requires knowledge to perceive it and therefore, he that can perceive it hath it not
—Jeremy Taylor
It is in the nature of mobs to cheer fools.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
It is not the disease but neglect of the remedy which generally destroys life.
It is not the quality of the meat, but the cheerfulness of the guests, that makes the feast.
—Lord Clarendon
It is often easier to earn money than it is to spend it wisely.
It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being deceived by cunning men.
—La Rochefoucauld
It is the great triumph of genius to make the common appear novel.
It is the height of absurdity to sow little but weeds in the first half of one’s lifetime and expect to harvest a valuable crop in the second half.
—Percy Johnson
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
—Lazarus Long
It may be true that human beings make more mistakes than computers, but for a real foul up, give us a computer anytime.
It was one of those perfect surer days–the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing,
the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken. –James Dent
It’s a good idea to keep your words soft and sweet to the taste. You may have to
eat them.
It’s a sad house where the cock is silent and the hen crows.
It’s better to keep your mouth closed and be presumed a fool than to open it and
remove all doubt.
It’s so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
JOB PLACEMENT: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Jones’s Law: The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Keep cool; especially during meltdowns.
Knowledge is power.
LIGHTWEIGHT: Lighter than rugged.
LINEAR MODEL: Any assumption concerning the nature of reality applied unquestioningly to every relationship as though God had determined that truth must always run in straight lines.
Last guys don’t finish nice.
—Stanley Kelly
Law of Institutional Food: Everything is cold except what should be.
Law of Institutional Food: Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
Law of Local Anesthesia: Never say “Oops” in the operating room.
—Dr. Leo Troy
Law of Social Dynamics: If, in the the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
—Phillip K. Saunders
Learn to be sincere…even if you have to fake it.
—Solomon Short
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let no man presume to give advice to others that has not first given good counsel to himself.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let us, then, be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving, still pursuing, learn to labor and to wait
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Liberals don’t care what people do, as long as it’s compulsory.
Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
—Will Rogers
Liberty is being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves to the things we do like.
—Ernest Benn
Life affords no higher pleasure than that of surmounting difficulties, passing from one step of success to another, forming new wishes and seeing them gratified.
—Samuel Johnson
Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from non-practitioners.
—G.O. Ashley
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
—Lazarus Long
Little progress can be made merely by repressing what is bad. Our great hope lies in developing what is good.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
—Joseph Wood Krutch
Love demands infinitely less than friendship.
—George Jean Nathan
Love laughs at locksmiths.
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
—Louise Beal
Love: the sole disease thou canst not cure.
—Alexander Pope
M.D. to patient: First the good news–you’re going to have a disease named after you.
METHODOLOGICALLY UNSOUND: Using old methodology with which I am unfamiliar.
Machines should work. People should think.
—IBM motto
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other’s gold.
Make other people like themselves a little better and rest assured they’ll like you very much.
Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world.
—Thomas Carlyle
Malpractice makes malperfect. —Solomon Short
Man is by nature metaphysical and proud. He has gone so Far as to think that the idealistic creations of his mind, which correspond to his feelings, also represent reality.
—Claude Bernard
Man is forbidden to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He acts against God’s command… From the standpoint of the Church, which represents authority, this is essentially sin. From the standpoint of man, however, this is the beginning of human freedom.
—Erich Fromm
Man shall never reach his full capacity while chained to the earth. We must take wing and conquer the heavens. —Icarus
Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis. —Gene Franklin
Management will select actions or events and convert them to crises. It will then over-react.
—Gene Franklin
Mankind has become so much of one family that we cannot insure our own prosperity except by insuring that of everyone else. If you wish to be happy yourself, you must also resign yourself to seeing others also happy.
–Bertrand Russell
Mankind would be vastly poorer if it had not been for men who were willing to take risks against the longest odds. Even if it could be done, we would be foolish to try to stamp out this willingness in man to buck seemingly hopeless odds. Our problem is how to remain properly venturesome and experimental without making fools of ourselves.
—Bernard Baruch
Many a family tree needs a trimming.
Many live by their wits but few by their wit. (On the other hand, the witty man merely says what you would have said if you had thought of it.)
—Laurence J. Peter
Many politicians are in the habit of laying it down as a self-evident proposition that no people ought to be free till they are fit to use their freedom. The maxim is worthy of the fool, who resolved not to go into the water till he had learned to swim.
—Thomas Babington Macaulay
Marxist law of distribution of wealth: Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant
—Malcolm Smith
May the Great Camel of Paradise bestow upon you and yours a dropping.
May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you’re dead.
Men are born with, two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
–Gene Fowler
Men fight for freedom; then they begin to accumulate laws to take it away from them.
Men must be either caressed or annihilated and the injury must be such that the
victim cannot pay you back for it. Whoever act otherwise is obliged to stand forever with a knife in his hand.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Mere longevity is a good thing for those who watch Life from the side lines. For those who play the game, an hour may be a year, a single day’s work an achievement for a lifetime.
—Gabriel Heatter
Metaphysics is the science of proving what we don’t understand.
—Josh Billings
Might may not be right, but it usually wins.
Miller’s Corollary: Objects are lost because people look where they aren’t instead of where they are.
Miraculous secret for the early recovery of patients: inflation.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it
—Russell Baker
Monday’s an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Money is a good servant…but a dangerous master.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
Money is truthful. If a person speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H.G. Wells
Most general statements are false–including this one.
—Edmund C. Berkeley
Most men have more courage than even they themselves think they have
Most of us will never do great things, but we can do small things in a great way.
Much that is dreadful and inhumane in history, much that one hardly likes to believe, is mitigated by the reflection that the one who commands and the one who carries out are different people. The former does not behold the sight and does not experience the strong impression on the imagination. The latter obeys a superior and therefore feels no responsibility for his acts.
—Frederick Nietzsche
Munroe’s Dictum: He that is without sin among you has been bored for a lllooonnnggg time.
Murphy’s Last Law: If nothing went wrong today, you are probably dead.
Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong will.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever goes wrong gets worse.
My brother is an only child.
—Bennett Cerf
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My mother loved children–she would have given anything if I had been one
—Groucho Marx
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
—Christopher Morley
NEW: different color from previous design.
NO MAINTAINANCE: impossible to fix.
Let’s club radioactive gay whales with native trees!
NULL HYPOTHESIS: The type of hypothesis used by a pessimist.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy.
For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to get creamed?
–Solomon Short
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature often enshrines gallant and noble hearts in weak bosoms–oftenest, God bless her! –in female breasts.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Never appeal to a man’s “better nature.” He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
—Lazarus Long
Never bow to authority, but always tip your hat.
—Jim Fiebig.
Never confuse motion with action.
—Benjamin Franklin
Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.
—Edmund C. Berkeley.
Never do anything for the first time.
—Paul Herbis.
Never find your delight in another’s misfortune.
—Publius Syrus.
Never insult an alligator until after you’ve crossed the river.
—Cordell Hull.
Never invest in anything that eats, or needs repainting.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
—Salvor Hardin.
Never say, “the White House wants”–Buildings don’t “want”
—Donald Rumsfeld.
Never say NO.
Never tamper with the truth. Never rationalize it. What you might like to believe is not necessarily the truth.
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will with their ingenuity surprise you.
—Gen George S. Patton.

This completes the collection. Merry Christmas!
Rick Lakin

That’s only true because it’s true.
When your client’s hopping mad; put his picture in the ad. If he still should prove refractory, add a picture of his factory.
The Banana Principle: Heuristic devices don’t tell you when to stop.
The Brain-Eye Law; To a certain extent, observational power can compensate for mental weakness.
The Diddle Factor changes things so that the equation and the universe appear to fit, without requiring any real change in either. This has the characteristic of eliminating differences by dropping the subject under discussion to zero importance.
The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue.
The Brain-Eye Law: To a certain extent, brainpower can make up for the lack of observational ability.
The First Commandment of Frisbee: The most powerful force in the world is that of a disk straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. This force is technically called “car sick”.
—Dan Roddick
The How Come It All Landed On Me Law: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The Law of Fashion: the same dress is: indecent 10 years before its time, daring
1 year before its time, chic in its time, dowdy 3 years after its time, hideous 20 years after its time, amusing 30 years after its time, romantic 50 years after its time, and beautiful 100 years after its time. —James Laver
The Law of Too, Too, Solid Point: In any collection of data, the figure that is most obviously correct–beyond all checking–is the mistake.
The Lord giveth, Uncle Sam taketh away.
The Lump Law: If we want to learn anything, we mustn’t try to learn everything.
The Ninth Commandment of Frisbee: The higher your need to make a good catch, the greater probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can’t touch it, you can’t trick it.)
Dan Roddick
The Principal of Indifference: Laws should not depend on a particular choice of notation.
The absent are always in the wrong.
The absent are like children, helpless to defend themselves
—Charles Read
The absent are never without fault. Nor the present without excuse.
—Benjamin Franklin
The amount of flak on any subject is inversely proportional to the subjects true value.
The ancient sage who concocted the maxim, “Know thyself,” might have added, “Don’t tell anyone.”
—H.F. Henricks
The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one.
–Russell Lynes
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook
—William James
The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order.
—Alfred North Whitehead
The ass is still an ass, e’en though he wears a lion’s hide.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The best index to a person’s character is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can’t fight back
—Abigail Van Buren
The best portion of a good man’s life: his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
The best time to look for work is after you get the job.
The best way out of a problem is through it.
The best way to get and keep good people is to give them room to grow.
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant–and to let the air out of the tires. —Dorothy Parker
The best way to keep your friends is to not give them away.
The biggest step you can take is the one you take when you meet the other person halfway.
The Bitter part of discretion is valor.
—Henry W. Nevinson
The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.
—Samuel Johnson
The chance of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chief defect of a democracy is that only the political party out of office knows how to run the government.
The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker, regardless of the direction of the breeze.
—Raj K. Dhawan
The conqueror is regarded with awe, the wise man commands our esteem, but it is the benevolent man who wins our affection.
The contest for ages has been to rescue liberty from the grasp of executive power.
—Daniel Webster
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: “Of course it’s none of my business, but…” is to place, period after the word “but.” Don’t use excessive force in supp1ying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
—Lazarus Long
The cynic who doesn’t believe in anything still wants you to believe him.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs
—Charles P. Boyle
The degree of failure is in direct proportion to the effort expended and to the need for success.
The degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts; the less you know the hotter you get.
—Bertrand Russell
The desire for knowledge, 1ike, the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it.
The devil knew not what he did when he made man politic.
The difference between a chef end a cook seems to be in who cleans up the kitchen.
I —Paul Sweeney
The difference between failure and success is doing a thing nearly right and exactly right.
—Edward Simmons
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.
The best security from a revolution is in constant correction of abuses and the introduction of needed improvements. It is the neglect of timely repair that makes rebuilding necessary.
—Richard Whately
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship
—Lazarus Long
The dossier is not the person.
—Dr. John Gall
The easiest way way to figure cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.
The easiest way Ito find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
—Jack Rosenbaum
The excesses of ‘ our youth are drafts upon our old age, payable with interest, about thirty years after date.
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
The faith in which I was brought up assured me that I was better than other people; I was saved, they were damned…Our hymns were loaded with arrogance–self-congratulation on how cozy we were with the Almighty and what a high opinion He had of us, what hell everybody else would catch come judgment day.
—Robert A. Heinlein
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
The firmest friendships have been formed in mutual adversity, as iron is most strongly welded by the fiercest fire.
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, while the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill. —Robert Heller
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Do not handicap your children by making their 1ives easy.
–Lazarus Long
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Do whatever your enemies don’t want you to do.
—Gary Novak
Don’t ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
—Daniel S. Greenberg
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t care if you are rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want.
Don’t look back, something might be following you.
—Satchel Page
Don’t malign the bug-eyed monster–Oh, he kidnaps girls, it’s true, but bear in mind that all he wants to do is what YOU’RE trying to do.
Don’t permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamp-post.
Don’t stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation–as you grow o1der, it starts avoiding you.
—Old Farmers’ Almanac
Don’t worry if you’re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Draw your salary before spending it.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not be able to, but it IS fun trying.
Dust breeds. \
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. (On second thought, a bird in the hand is finger-licking good.
—Stanley C. Pearson
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
Edgar R. Fiedler
Electrician’s breakfast–ohmlettes. —Raymond D. Love
Enjoy your life. If you don’t, no one else will.

Peters Inversion: Internal consistency’s valued more highly than efficiency.
—Laurence J. Peter
Peters Paradox: Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues. —Laurence J. Peter
Peters Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
—Laurence J. Peter
Phases of a project: 1. Exultation. 2. Disenchantment. 3. Confusion. 4. Search for the guilty. 5. Punishment of the innocent. 6. Distinction for the uninvolved.
Pity the meek for they shall inherit the earth. —Don Marquis
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
–Lazarus Long
Platonic friendship: The interval between the introduction and the first kiss.
—Sophie Irene Loeb
Pleasure that comes unlooked for is thrice welcome. —Rogers.
Policemen’s barbecue: steak-out —Raymond D. Love
Political economy: Two words that should be divorced–on the grounds of incompatibility.
—The Wall Street Journal
Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
Politics isn’t too bad a profession, if you succeed, there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
— Elbert Hubbard
Positive: Being mistaken at the top of ones voice. —Ambrose Bierce
Poster in Belgrade tourist office: Visit the Soviet Union before it Visits you.
Practice does not make perfect: perfect practice makes perfect.
—Vince Lombardi
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Pride that dines on vanity, sups on contempt. — Benjamin Franklin
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
— Pat Hein
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Put your trust in those who are, trustworthy.
Quit while you’re ahead. You may not get another chance.
RANDOMIZATION: The assignment of subjects to conditions in an experiment according to some preconceived plan. Randomness, llke chastity, is more often claimed than maintained.
REDESIGNED: previous faults corrected, we hope.
RELIABLE: Sometimes capable of giving the same results.
RELIGION: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the unknown.
REPUTATION: What others are not thinking about you.
REVIEWER’S NOTE! A rejection slip based upon literature and theories in vogue during the period the reviewer was studying for his or her Ph.D.
REVOLUTIONARY: it’s different from our competitors.
RUGGED: too heavy to lift.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Randomness: The property required to make statistical calculation come out right.
Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile.
—Sir Wilfred Grenfell
Reality is for people who can’t take science fiction.
Reforms come from below. No man with four aces howls for a new deal
—John F. Parker
Remember: LSD absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess reality.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Rowe’s Rule: The odds are 6 to 5 that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming express train.
Rule of Parenthood: Enough is never enough. —Phyllis C. Richman
Rules: 1. The boss is always right. 2. When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
Ryan’s Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: manufacturer’s, upon receipt of check.
STATISTICAL ANALYSIS: Mysterious, sometimes bizarre, manipulations performed upon the collected data of an experiment in order to obscure the fact that the results have no generalizable meaning for humanity. Commonly computers are used, lending an additional aura of unreality to the proceedings.
SUCCESS: Living long enough to be a burden on your children.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. —Charles van Kriedt
Sattingler’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Say’s Law: Supply creates its own demand.
Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed.
—Thomas Henry Huxley
Science does not have a moral dimension. It is like a knife; if you give it to a surgeon or a murderer, each will use it differently. —Werner von Braun
Science is a flickering light in our darkness, it is but the only one we have and woe to him who would put it out. —Morris Cohen
Scientific and humanistic approaches are not competitive but supportive, and both are ultimately necessary. —Robert C. Wood
Scientists who dislike the restraints of highly organized research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment: a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain. But they quote this maxim more often at academic banquets than at budget hearings.
—Don Price
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
Secretary’s Lament: Around here I’m a very responsible person. If anything goes wrong, I’m responsible. ,
Self-centered people are those who spend so much time talking about themselves we never get a chance to talk about ourselves.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
—Joseph Fischer
Share your happiness with others today.
She has as much originality as a Xerox machine. —Lawrence J. Peter
She’s learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words.
Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I’ll show you a failure.
—Thomas A. Edison
Show your affection, which will probably meet a pleasant response.
Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt.
Simplicity is the true test. —Ron Randall
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other “sins” are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is NOT a sin–just stupid.)
–Lazarus Long
Since no matter can be created or destroyed (Excluding nuclear and cafeteria substances), as one attempts to remove unwanted material (i.e., trash) from one’s living space, the remaining material mutates so as to occupy 30 to 50 percent more than its original volume.
Since we have to speak well of the dead, It’s best to knock them while they’re alive.
—John Sloan
Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing; education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. —Will Durant
Skiing is so much fun. The bright blue above you … AND THE BRIGHT BLUE BELOW YOUl!
Skinner’s Constant: That quantity, which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Small opportunities are often the beginnings of great achievements.
Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together.
So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.
So sure are you! Tried have you? Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing I say? Try not. Do! Do! Or do not. there is no try. —Yoda
Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws. —Dalin B. Oaks
Society heaps honors on the unique, creative personality, but not until he has been dead for fifty years.
—Charles Merrill Smith
Some people are quick to criticize clichés, but what is a cliché? It is a truth that has retained its validity through time. Mankind would lose half its hard-earned wisdom, built up patiently over the ages, if it ever lost its clichés.
–Marvin G. Gregory
Some people who slap you on the back are trying to help you swallow what they just told you.
Someone whom you reject today will reject you tomorrow.
Sometimes the best law of all is no law at all. Not all the world’s ills are susceptible to legislative correction. —Pierre S. du Pont
Sometimes the crowd is right.
Space expands to house the people to perform the work that Congress creates.
Speak little and well, if you would be esteemed as a man of merit.
Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
Sprinkle’s Law: Things fall at right angles.
Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately.
Stockbroker’s Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels.
Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable.
Student’s snack–cramberries. —Raymond D. Love
Success goes to your head, failure to your heart.
Success is doing what you like to do and making a living at it.
Success seems to be that which forms the distinction between confidence and conceit.
Nelson, when young, was piqued at not being noticed in a certain paragraph of the newspapers, which detailed an action wherein he had assisted. “But never mind,” said he, “I will one day have a gazette of my own.” —Colton
Sufficient monies to do the job correctly the first time are usually not available; however, ample funds are much easily obtained for repeated major redesigns.
TANK: A means of transportation the Soviet army uses to visit its friends.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurrently be interpreted as managerial ability.
—Charles P. Boyle
Talk of revolution is one way of avoiding reality
—John Kenneth Galbraith
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself out of the market.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
That must be wonderful! I don’t understand it at all.
That which is good to be done, cannot be done too soon; and if it is neglected to be done early, it will frequently happen that it will not be done at all.
—Bishop Richard Mant
That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in the next.
—Adlai Stevenson.

Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing it, and conquering it.
Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (he is also a fool.)
—Lazarus Long
Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village.
—Leonard Louis Levinson”
Courtship consists of a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm. Nor so vague as not to be understood. —Sterne
Coward–one who in perilous emergency thinks with his legs
—Ambrose Bierce
Cows may come and cows may GO, but the bull in this place goes on FOREVER!!!
Crane’s Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.
, —Bernice Fitz-Gibbon
Creditors have better memories than debtors: and creditors are a superstitious sect, great observers of set days and times. —Benjamin Franklin
Croll’s Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
Cunning and deceit will every time serve a man better than force
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
—Johnny Hart
Cynics are right nine times out of ten, what undoes them is their belief that they are right ten times out of ten.
—Prof. C.P. Issawi
Deception Experiment: An experiment in which the researcher is pleased to believe that the true nature of the situation is unknown to the participants. Typically, the only parties deceived are the funding agency and the Journal editor.
Diagnostic: software which runs to completion no matter how broken the hardware is.
DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash.
DIRECT SALES ONLY: Manufacturer had argument with distributor.
DOUBLE-BLIND EXPERIMENT: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy.
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by the contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
—Benjamin Ruhe
Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
—Lazarus Long
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
—James D. Davidson
Democracy can learn something from Communism: for example, when a Communist politician is through, he is through.
Democracy is a device that insures that we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
—George Bernard Shaw
Dialogue: opposing factions discussing relevant issues. Formerly called an argument.
—Paul Sweeney
Did you hear about the earthquake committee meeting that was adjourned by a motion from the floor?
Dimensions will be expressed in the least convenient terms, e.g.: Furlongs per Fort-
night2 = Acceleration.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it…You take diplomacy out of war. and the thing would fall flat in a week
—Will Rogers
Do not believe in miracles–rely on them
Never try to out-stubborn a cat. Lazarus Long
Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use one word when a dozen will suffice. —Paul Herbis
Nice going sweetheart. —Joe Patroni.
No action is without side effects. —Barry Commoner.
No amount of experimentation can prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.
—Albert Einstein.
No cord or cable can draw so forcible, or bind so fast, as love can with a single thread.
No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).
No good deed goes unpunished. —Clare Booth Luce
No man can be wise on an empty stomach. —George Elliot
No man was ever so much deceived by another man as by himself
No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small portion in the exchange. Corollary: Don’t try it; you cannot drink enough of your in-laws’ booze to get even before the liver fails.
—Jackson Clark
No matter how thin you slice it; it’s still baloney. —Alfred E. Smith
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No one is as tired as the person who does nothing.
No one is ever old enough to know better. —Holbrook Jackson
No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices.
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm; it is the real allegory of the tale of Orpheus; it moves stones, it charms brutes. Enthusiasm is the genius of sincerity, and truth accomplishes no victories without it. —Bulwer
Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire of appearing so.
—La Rochefoucauld
Nothing worth a damn is ever done as a matter of principal. If it is worth doing, it is done because it is worth doing. If it is not, it’s done as a matter of principal.
—James T. Evans
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same
—G.O. Ashley
Numbers are tools, not rules. —G.O. Ashley
ONE-SHOT CASE STUDY: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clover possesses four leaves and is sometimes green.
OSHA’s Discovery: Wet manure is: s1ippery. (Occupational Safety and Health Administration)
Obituaries are the last writes.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the agonies of life, that which is most poignant and harrowing–that which for the most time annihilates reason and leaves our whole organization one lacerated mangled heart–is the conviction that we have been deceived where we placed all the trust of love.
Of all the strange “crimes” that human beings have legislated out of nothing, “blasphemy” is the most amazing–with “obscenity” and “indecent exposure” fighting it out for second and third place.
—Lazarus Long
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. —Mark Twain
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts—for support rather than illumination.
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live
—Conte Vittorio Alfieri
Old Jedi Knights never die; they just fade in and fade out.
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
On a beautiful day like this it’s hard to believe anyone can be unhappy, but we’ll work on it.
‘ —Donald Barr
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
—Will Rogers
On beginning play, as many balls as may be required to obtain a satisfactory result may be played from the first tee. Everyone recognizes a good player needs to “loosen up” but does not have time for the practice tee.
—Donald A. Metz
On curing the depression that comes with having to work for a living: stay home for a day and watch daytime TV. —Sheldon
On the other hand are four fingers and a thumb.
Once economists were asked, “If you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?” Today they’re asked, “Now that you’ve proved that you ain’t so smart, how come you got so rich?”
—Edgar R. Fiedler
Once is not enough. —Jacqueline Suzanne
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
—Franklin P. Jones
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
—Helen Keller
One cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs–but it is amazing how many eggs can break without making a decent omelet.
—Prof. C.P. Issawi
One does not have to keep bad governments in to keep Communists out.
—John Kenneth Galbraith
One fact is better than one hundred apologies.
One learns to itch where one can scratch.
One man with courage makes a majority.
One moment of patience may ward off a great disaster; one moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
One need only look at Dolly Parton to realize that good things don’t always come in small packages.
One of life’s greatest pleasures; paying the last installment.
One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people.
—Genghis Khan
One thing common to most success stories is the alarm clock.
One worthwhile task carried to a successful conclusion is worth half-a-hundred half-finished tasks. —B.C. Forbes
Only the incompetent and mediocre are always at their best.
Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.
Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
—Oliver Goldsmith
Our judgment can be no better than our information.
Our repentance is not so much regret for the evil we have done, as fear of its consequences.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN: will operate through warranty period.
POST-TEST: A test made too late.
PRE-TEST: A test made too soon.
Parkinson’s Law of 1000: An enterprise employing more than 1000 people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.
Parkinson’s Telephone Law: The effectiveness of a telephone conversation is in inverse proportion to the time, spent on it.
Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies
—John Sharkey
Passion often makes a madman of the cleverest man, and renders the greatest fools clever.
—La Rochefoucauld
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People are never so ready to believe you as when you say things in dispraise of yourself; and you are never so much annoyed as when they take you at your word.
—Somerset Maugham
People fail many times, but they become failures only when they begin to blame some one else.
People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you nag them to be.
—Ernest Bramah
People may forget how fast you did a job but they will remember how well you did it.
People seldom improve, when they have no other model but themselves to copy.
, —Oliver Goldsmith
People who believe that the dead never come back to life, should be here at quitting time.
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity of our time.
— Norman Cousins
People who fail to understand their past mistakes may be condemned to make them over again.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t stow trones.
People who lose their heads are usually the last to miss them.
People who run down others are making a roundabout way of praising themselves.
People who wait until they feel like doing a job…rarely do.
People who will not admit they’ve been wrong, love themselves more than they love the truth.
People who write the most interesting and effective letters never answer letters. They answer people.
People will be happy in about the same degree that they are helpful.
Perfect valor is to do unwitnessed what we should be capable of doing.
— Duc La Rochefoucauld
Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the, thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not.
— Thomas Henry Huxley

An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER proves it.
–Edmund C. Berkeley
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
–Gerald Weinberg
An expert is someone who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
An old car that served you so well will continue to serve you until you have just put four new tires under it and then it will fall apart.
–Erma Bombeck
An optimist is a person who goes to the window every morning and says, “Good morning God!” The pessimist goes to the window every morning and says, “Good god, morning.”
An optimist proclaims that this is the best of all possible worlds, and a pessimist fears that this is true.
And he gave it as his opinion. that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot if ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.
—Jonathon Swift
Andrew’s Canoeing Postulate: No matter which direction you start, it’s always against the wind coming back.
Energy-State: Any state of condition of the Universe or any portion of it which requires the expenditure of human effort or ingenuity to bring it into line with human desires, needs, or pleasures.
–Dr. John Gall
Anthony’s Law of Force: Don’t force it. Get a larger hammer.
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will role into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
—John Corcoran
Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied by the virtuous.
—Marion J. Levy Jr.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either totally obscure or completely mysterious.
—Dr. Fyodor Flap
Any jackass can, kick down a bar but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
–Sam Rayburn
Any large system is going to be operating most of the time in failure mode.
–Dr. John Gall
Any man can prove he has good judgment by saying you have.
Any man that can write, may answer a letter.
Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can’t be all bad.
–W.C. Fields
Any mind that is capable of real sorrow is capable of good.
Anyone can be great with money. With money, greatness is not a talent but an obligation. The trick is to be great without money. –Italo Bombolini
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
–Lazarus Long
Any race that doesn’t use all its potential will always stop short of its possibilities.
— Jose Torres
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
–Milt Barber
Any theory that can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
–Robert E. Schenk
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any vacuum cleaner would sooner take the nap off a rug than remove white threads from a dark rug.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
–George Ade
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining the government.
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
–David Broder
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
–Robert Benchley
Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
—Robin Hood
Anything free is worth what you paid for it.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
–Robert A. Jackson
Anything you can do I can do better; anything I can do you can do better; anything I can do I can do better: anything IBM does is going to cost more money.
Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.
Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, squeak up!
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t move, pick it up; and if you· can’t pick it up, paint it.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign has ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. As a man may be eating all day, and for want of digestion is never nourished, so these endless readers may cram themselves in vain with intellectual food.
–Dr. I. Watts
As long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military glory will ever be the vice of the most exalted characters.
–Edward Gibson
As the dimensions of the tree are not always regulated by the size of the seed, so the consequences of things are not always proportionate to the apparent magnitude of those events that have produced them. –Colton
Ask five economists and you’ll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard).
–Edgar R. Fiedler
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. –Marshall Lumsden
At some point, every faculty would certainly lynch its dean–if it could only agree on a date.
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out. –Richard H. Brian
Atoms are made up of electrons and protons (protons are also nothing). Fifty billion electrons placed side by side in a straight line would stretch across the period at the end of this sentence. Protons are heavier but take up less space. Such an idea is incapable of being absorbed by the human mind
—John Lardner & Thomas Sugrue
Attention to detail is the watchword for gleaning information from an unsuspecting witness.
–Inspector Clouseau
Auditors always reject a newsman’s expense account with a bottom line divided by a 5 or 10.
Auditors are the people who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
Authority intoxicates, and makes mere sots of magistrates. The fumes of it invade the brain, and make men giddy, proud and vain; by this the fool commands the wise.
The noble with the base complies. The sot assumes the role of wit, and cowards make the base submit. –Butler
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry (nota bene: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead!). –Lazarus Long
Avoid strong drink. It makes you shoot at IRS agents–and miss
—Lazarus Long
BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than be repealed.
—Dalin B. Oaks
Banish Evil from the world? Nonsense! Encourage it, foster it, sponsor it. The world owes Evil a debt beyond imagination. Think! Without greed, ambition falters. Without vanity, art becomes idle musing.; Without cruelty, benevolence lapses into passivity. Where would be the savior of superior understanding? –Magnus Rudolf
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor–especially in the dark.
-Al Ross
Barr’s Hypothesis: Familiarity breeds content.
Bartz’s Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
–Wayne R. Bartz
Be a defensive driver. Buy a Tiger M31.
Be alert! America needs more lerts.
Be careful who you step on on the way up; you never know who you’ll pass on the way down.
Be like a duck–keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil under the water.
Be sure to save your money, you never know when it might be worth something again.
Be tolerant of those who disagree with you–after all, they have a right to their ridiculous opinions.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Beauty without virtue is like a flower without perfume.
Beck’s postulate: Murphy was an optimist.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Behind every argument is someone’s ignorance.
Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every great woman is a great behind.
–Anonymous male chauvinist
Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance…
–Lazarus Long
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think its important
—Eugene McCarthy
Better be alone than in bad company.
Better bend than break.
Better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a lamb.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before
—Mae West
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may. be reaching for the corner of the rug.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: a 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock and chain.
Big people are those who make us feel bigger when we are with them.
Biochemistry expands so as to fill the space and time available for its completion
and publication. –R.T. Hersh
Bismarck’s Law: The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they’ll sleep at night.
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed
—W.C. Bennett
Boren’s Law of Bureaucracy: When in doubt. mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in
charge, ponder. –James H. Boren
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
–Franklin P. Jones
Broken Mirror Law: Everyone breaks more than the seven year bad luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. –Rozanne Weissman
Build a system that even a fool could use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Burn’s Hog Weighing Method: Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. Put the hog on one end of the plank. Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
—Robert Burns
By the data to date, there is only one animal in the Galaxy dangerous to man—man himself. So he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no enemy to help him.
–Lazarus Long
By the time a person gets to greener pastures, he can’t climb the fence.
Cameras are so simple to operate now that taking pictures is much easier than getting friends to look at them. –Hugh Allen
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points
—M.M. Johnson,
Capital Punishment: the income tax.
Capitalism can ‘exist in one of only two states: welfare or warfare
—Bill Gray
Celibacy is not hereditary. –Guy Godin
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.
–Franklin P. Jones
Circular Definition: see Circular Definition.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colson’s Law: If you’ve got them; by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Committee–A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.” –Fred Allen
Committee–A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours
—Milton Berle
Committee–A group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.
–Stewart Harral
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Compared with everything else in data processing, paper is cheap; use it. But the value of a report decreases as the number of its pages increases.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable
—Tom Gibb
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost. ‘
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.
— Herb Caen
A man is never astonished that he doesn’t know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.
— Halliburton
A man never discloses his character so clearly as when he describes another’s.
— Jean Paul Richter
A man said to the universe, “Sir, I exist.”
“However,” replied the universe, “the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.”
— Stephen Crane
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man who can’t mind his own business is not to be trusted with the king’s.
— Saville
A man who studieth revenge keeps his wounds green.
— Francis Bacon
A man with one watch knows what time it is: a man with two watches is never sure.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man’s legs must be long enough to reach the ground.
— A. Lincoln
A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
: — Dean Acheson
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
— George Bernard Shaw
A person who can’t lead and can’t follow makes a dandy roadblock.
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a burnt match out the window of your, car and start a forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
A picture is a poem without words.
— Horace
A piece of electronic equipment is housed in a beautifully designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is (a little box containing the components which the designer forgot to make room for.
— Dennis Parsons
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root around the tree. A cow remarked, “You should not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die.” “Let it die,” said the pig, “who cares so long as there are acorns?”
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn’t lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, do not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word “but” which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative before they tell you. Thus: “I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but…” (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
— Frank Mankiewicz
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
— Byron
A professor’s enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
— Merle P. Martin
A real friend is a person who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through.
A recession is when my neighbor loses his job. A depression is when I lose my job. A panic is when my wife loses her job.
— Edgar R. Fiedler
A record of data is useful–it indicates that you’ve been working. A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power.
A religion can no more afford to degrade its Devil than to degrade its God.
A river flowing through one of our large Eastern cities is so polluted that it is considered a fire hazard!
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
— Prof. Charles P. Issawi
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
— Joseph Stalin
A successful person is one who went ahead and did the thin the rest of us never quite got around to.
A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.
A taste of irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. {Irony is when you buy a suit with two pair of pants–then burn a hole in the coat.)
— Jessamyn West
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.
— Sam Goldwyn
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises.
A winner says “Let’s find out.”; a loser Says “Nobody knows.”
A winner works harder than a loser and has more time; a loser is always too busy to do what is necessary.
A wise man who stands firm is a statesman, a foolish man who stands firm is a catastrophe.
A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.
— F. Shubert
A zygote is a gametes way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
— Lazarus Long
Running a project in this office is like mating elephants–it takes a great deal of time and effort to get on top of things; The whole affair is always accompanied by a great deal of noise and confusion, the culmination of which is heralded by loud trumpeting. After which. nothing comes of the effort for two years.
ACHTUNG: Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keep en hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
ADVANCED DESIGN: copy writer doesn’t understand it
ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous design
ARTIFACT: Something only an art major would know.
ARTIFACT: The only true fact in an experiment.
Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.
—Francis de La Rochefoucauld
Absence of occupation is not rest. A mind quite vacant is a mind distress’d.
Absolute freedom is being able to do what you please without considering anyone except the wife and kids, the company and the boss, neighbors and friends, the police and government, the doctor and the church.
Advice from an old carpenter: Measure twice and saw once.
After adding two weeks to the schedule for, unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
After large expenditures of federal. state. and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding populace with noise, dust, and fumes, the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.
— Alan Deitz
Against stupidity, even the gods themselves contend in vain.
—Isaac Asimov
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing–and that was the closest our country has ever come to being even.
—Will Rogers
All committee reports conclude that it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure or organization, or whatever) at this time.
—Thomas L. Martin
All general statements are false. –R.H. Grenier
All government programs have three things in common: a beginning, a muddle, and no end.
All hierarchies contain administrators and managers, and they tend to appear at alternating levels in the hierarchies.
—Thomas L. Martin’
All men are born naked. –Carlos Eduardo Novaes
All policy interventions in social problems produce the intended effect—If the research is carried out by those implementing the policy or their friends
—James Q. Wilson
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
—Samuel Butler
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.
—Jim Fiebig,
All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
—Alexander Woollcott
All they (zoos) actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.
—H. L. Mencken
All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying “I resign.”
All you need to grow fine vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
–Agnes Allen
Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done, and why., Then do it.
—Lazarus Long
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Always verify your witchcraft.
An apology to the Devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case. God has written all the Books.
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett for her money–Edgar R. Fiedler

During Easter Week of 1982, I was serving aboard the USS Drum (SSN-677) and we made a port visit to Perth, Australia. I had occasion to visit an Apple Computer store and was given the gift of 27 pages of Computer Taglines. After 33 years, I return these gems to the Internet.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don’t think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don’t think they would let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won’t always hear “On the other hand…”
– – Edgar R. Fiedler
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000—by which time it will be worth nothing.
—Lazarus Long
‘Tis better that a man’s own works, than another man’s words should praise’ him.
— L’Estrange
‘Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, and robes the mountain in its azure hue.
— Campbell
‘Tis not the fairest form that holds the mildest, purest soul within; ‘Tis not the richest plant that holds the sweetest fragrance in.
— Dawes
‘Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall.
— Shakespeare
‘Tis strange the miser should his cares employ to gain the riches he can ne’er enjoy.
— Alexander Pope
(a) Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring credit upon the performance personnel–it merely proves the task was easier than expected; (b) failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically incompatible.
— Richard F. Moore
The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater their productivity.
— Richard F. Moore
TRC eht edisni deppart rna I !pleH
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate greyhound bus.
8:30, Chan. 7: Bewitched. Tabitha gets carsick and turns Darin into a plastic bag.
9:00, Chan. 5: I Dream of Jeannie. Jeannie and Major Nelson discover new things to do with Jeannie’s bottle.
A “critic” is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is unbiased–he hates all creative people equally. — Lazarus Long
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
— Donald A. Metz
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
— Donald A. Metz
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so on. The list is endless.
— John Joyce
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
A camel is a horse planned by a committee.
— Vogue Magazine
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
A college education shows a man how little other people know.
— Halliburton
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
— Elbert Hubbard
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A compromise: the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
— Marvin Kitman
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
— H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
— Edgar A. Shoaff
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
— James H. Boren
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
— Lazarus Long
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title. It teaches men to call him count and duke. And to forget his proper name of fool.
— Crowne
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers—whom it regards as its servant—at any time.
— Harry V. Jaffa
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women–all at the same time. It was, a lovely funeral.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.
— Zimmerman
A great fortune is a great slavery.
— Seneca
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn’t lose her confidence.
A journalist, is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
— Napoleon Bonaparte
A king’ s castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light heart lives long.
— Shakespeare
A light supper, a good night’s sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
— Chesterfield
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
—Solomon Short

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

Entropy has us outnumbered.
—Solomon Short
Epperson’s Law: when a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at. .
Erma Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Ertz’s observation: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Ettorre’s observation: The other line moves faster.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if it can’t, it might.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Every man desires to live long, but no man desires to be old.
—Jonathon Swift
Every man has three characters–that which he exhibits, that which he has and that which he thinks he has.
Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead.
Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles. and lets it go at that. —James Matthew Barrie
Everybody has 20/20 hindsight.
Everybody lies about sex.
Everybody should believe in something–I believe I’ll have another drink
—Mary Steele
Everything is for sale; only the price is negotiable.
Everything should be as simple as possible, but no simpler
—Albert Einstein
Examine the contents, not the bottle. —The Talmud
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
–John G. Pollard
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you’re too old to get the job.
Experiments must be reproducible–they should always fail in the same way.
Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
FIELD TEST: Putting your software out to pasture.
FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustment.
FUTURISTIC: Can’t figure out another reason why it looks as it does.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
—Aldous Huxley
Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.
Finagle’s Creed: Science is truth: don’t be misled by the facts.
Find happiness in your work, or you may not find it anywhere else.
Fine’s Corollary: Functionality breeds contempt.
First draw your curves–then plot your data.
Looks fade. Are you willing to love the person when they’re ugly? Is their heart enough? Are their morals enough? Do your insides love their insides?
Food that tastes the best has the highest calories.
Fools are certain, but wise men hesitate.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
—Richard Clopton
For every proverb that confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.
—Richard Boston
For perfect happiness, remember two things: Be content with what you’ve got. Be sure you’ve got plenty.
For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of garbage.
—Robert Orben
For they can conquer who believe they can. —Virgil
Forecasting is very difficult, especially if it’s about the future
—Edgar R. Fiedler
Forget your opponents, always play against par.
—Sam Sneed
Fried’s 23rd Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says, “I thought I was the only one.”
Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable.
—John D. MacDonald
—Rozanne Weissman
From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own.
—Publilius Syrus
Fuch’s Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren’t well enough to travel.
Fudge Factor: A physical factor occasionally showing up in experiments as a result of stopp1ng a stopwatch a little early to compensate for reflex error.
Fudge Factor: The numeric factor by which experimental results must be multiplied
to be in agreement with theory.
GIGO: Garbage in, Gospel out.
Generally, the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories.
—Felix Cohen
Get ahead!!! You could use one.
Get a shot off FAST! This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect.
—Lazarus Long
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please
—Mark Twain
Give him an inch and he’ll screw you. —Dave Farber
Go kiss a Wookie!
Go where the money is.
—Bank robber Willie Sutton
God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
Good judgment comes from experience. And experience–well that comes from having bad judgment.
“Greener’s Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
HAND CRAFTED: Machine that is operated without gloves.
HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit.
HYPOTHESIS: A prediction based on theory formulated after an experiment is performed designed to account for the ludicrous series of events which have taken place.
Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.
—Solomon Short
Harris’s Law: Any: philosophy that can be put “in a nutshell” belongs there.
—James Gibbons Hunekerm
Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil.
Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.
—Robert Cody
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly delightful.
—Sydney Smith
He hated to set precedents; those who do so were sometimes promoted, more frequently they joined their ancestors.
—Robert A. Heinlein
He that lives upon Hope dies farting.
—Benjamin Franklin
He that uses many words for the explaining of any subject, doth like the cuttlefish, hide himself for the most part in his own ink. —Ray
He that would have a cake out of the wheat must tarry the grinding.
He travels fastest who travel alone…but he hasn’t anything to do when he gets there.
He who can will. He who can’t, will teach.
—M.M. Johnston
He who envies another admits his own inferiorities.
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who has not a good memory, should never take upon him the trade of lying.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who is most slow in making a promise is the most faithful in the performance of it.
He who laughs last probably doesn’t understand the joke.
He who lives by the crystal ball soon learns to eat ground glass
—Edgar R. Fiedler
He who receives a good turn should never forget it; he who does one should never remember it.
He who reforms himself has done more toward reforming the public than a crowd of noisy, impotent patriots.
— Johann Kaspar Lavater
Hell hath no fury like a computer scorned.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.
—Solomon Short
Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are German, the traffic patterns are Bostonian, and the cooks are English.
Hell is truth seen too late.
—H.G. Adams
Herman’s Rule: If it works right the first time, obviously you’ve done something wrong.
History proves nothing. I —Bill Gray
History repeats itself. That’s one of the things wrong with history
—Clarence Darrow
Honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
How immense appear to us the sins that we have not committed.
How you look depends on where you go.
I accept the refugees. You cheat death everyday. There’s danger everywhere but the way you end that is with peace, acceptance and love. And if that kills me, so be it, at least I’m dying with a good heart.
I am not a crook.
I had to hit him, he was starting to make sense.
I buy too many shoes and not enough clothes.
I gave her the ring; she gave me the finger.
I have a SPONGE that’s drier behind the ears than you are!
I have a feeling that at any time about three million Americans can be had for any militant reaction against law, decency, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, compassion and the rule of reason.
—John K. Galbraith
I have discovered the art of fooling diplomats: I speak the truth and they never believe me.
—Camillo Di Cavour
I hate when girls say: I need to find the Jay-Z to my Beyoncé. You can’t expect a man like Jay-Z if you’re no where close to being a Beyoncé. Sit down.
I just DON’T understand human behavior. —C3PO
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and drove over the embankment.
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!
I’d rather go whoring than warring.
—Bill Gray
I’d rather have ‘a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens
—Woody Allen
I’ve seen better heads on a half pint of beer.
IT’S HERE AT LAST: rush job; nobody knew it was coming.
If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
—Albert Einstein·
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
—Marvin Kitman
If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad he should see how bad it is WITH representation. ‘
If a ball rims the cup, it is deemed to have dropped. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics.
If a ball stops at the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity, it is deemed to have dropped. You can’t defy the law of gravity. —Donald A. Metz
If a man is happy in his work–exerting himself to the full extent of his capacities, and enjoying it–I’d say he’s a success. —William Romain