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During Easter Week of 1982, I was serving aboard the USS Drum (SSN-677) and we made a port visit to Perth, Australia. I had occasion to visit an Apple Computer store and was given the gift of 27 pages of Computer Taglines. After 33 years, I return these gems to the Internet.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don’t think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don’t think they would let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won’t always hear “On the other hand…”
– – Edgar R. Fiedler
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000—by which time it will be worth nothing.
—Lazarus Long
‘Tis better that a man’s own works, than another man’s words should praise’ him.
— L’Estrange
‘Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, and robes the mountain in its azure hue.
— Campbell
‘Tis not the fairest form that holds the mildest, purest soul within; ‘Tis not the richest plant that holds the sweetest fragrance in.
— Dawes
‘Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall.
— Shakespeare
‘Tis strange the miser should his cares employ to gain the riches he can ne’er enjoy.
— Alexander Pope
(a) Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring credit upon the performance personnel–it merely proves the task was easier than expected; (b) failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically incompatible.
— Richard F. Moore
The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater their productivity.
— Richard F. Moore
TRC eht edisni deppart rna I !pleH
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate greyhound bus.
8:30, Chan. 7: Bewitched. Tabitha gets carsick and turns Darin into a plastic bag.
9:00, Chan. 5: I Dream of Jeannie. Jeannie and Major Nelson discover new things to do with Jeannie’s bottle.
A “critic” is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is unbiased–he hates all creative people equally. — Lazarus Long
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
— Donald A. Metz
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
— Donald A. Metz
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so on. The list is endless.
— John Joyce
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
A camel is a horse planned by a committee.
— Vogue Magazine
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
A college education shows a man how little other people know.
— Halliburton
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
— Elbert Hubbard
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A compromise: the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
— Marvin Kitman
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
— H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
— Edgar A. Shoaff
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
— James H. Boren
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
— Lazarus Long
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title. It teaches men to call him count and duke. And to forget his proper name of fool.
— Crowne
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers—whom it regards as its servant—at any time.
— Harry V. Jaffa
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women–all at the same time. It was, a lovely funeral.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.
— Zimmerman
A great fortune is a great slavery.
— Seneca
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn’t lose her confidence.
A journalist, is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
— Napoleon Bonaparte
A king’ s castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light heart lives long.
— Shakespeare
A light supper, a good night’s sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
— Chesterfield
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
—Solomon Short

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

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