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A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.
— Herb Caen
A man is never astonished that he doesn’t know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.
— Halliburton
A man never discloses his character so clearly as when he describes another’s.
— Jean Paul Richter
A man said to the universe, “Sir, I exist.”
“However,” replied the universe, “the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.”
— Stephen Crane
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man who can’t mind his own business is not to be trusted with the king’s.
— Saville
A man who studieth revenge keeps his wounds green.
— Francis Bacon
A man with one watch knows what time it is: a man with two watches is never sure.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man’s legs must be long enough to reach the ground.
— A. Lincoln
A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
: — Dean Acheson
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
— George Bernard Shaw
A person who can’t lead and can’t follow makes a dandy roadblock.
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a burnt match out the window of your, car and start a forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
A picture is a poem without words.
— Horace
A piece of electronic equipment is housed in a beautifully designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is (a little box containing the components which the designer forgot to make room for.
— Dennis Parsons
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root around the tree. A cow remarked, “You should not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die.” “Let it die,” said the pig, “who cares so long as there are acorns?”
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn’t lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, do not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word “but” which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative before they tell you. Thus: “I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but…” (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
— Frank Mankiewicz
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
— Byron
A professor’s enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
— Merle P. Martin
A real friend is a person who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through.
A recession is when my neighbor loses his job. A depression is when I lose my job. A panic is when my wife loses her job.
— Edgar R. Fiedler
A record of data is useful–it indicates that you’ve been working. A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power.
A religion can no more afford to degrade its Devil than to degrade its God.
A river flowing through one of our large Eastern cities is so polluted that it is considered a fire hazard!
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
— Prof. Charles P. Issawi
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
— Joseph Stalin
A successful person is one who went ahead and did the thin the rest of us never quite got around to.
A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.
A taste of irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. {Irony is when you buy a suit with two pair of pants–then burn a hole in the coat.)
— Jessamyn West
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.
— Sam Goldwyn
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises.
A winner says “Let’s find out.”; a loser Says “Nobody knows.”
A winner works harder than a loser and has more time; a loser is always too busy to do what is necessary.
A wise man who stands firm is a statesman, a foolish man who stands firm is a catastrophe.
A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.
— F. Shubert
A zygote is a gametes way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
— Lazarus Long
Running a project in this office is like mating elephants–it takes a great deal of time and effort to get on top of things; The whole affair is always accompanied by a great deal of noise and confusion, the culmination of which is heralded by loud trumpeting. After which. nothing comes of the effort for two years.
ACHTUNG: Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keep en hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
ADVANCED DESIGN: copy writer doesn’t understand it
ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous design
ARTIFACT: Something only an art major would know.
ARTIFACT: The only true fact in an experiment.
Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.
—Francis de La Rochefoucauld
Absence of occupation is not rest. A mind quite vacant is a mind distress’d.
—Cowper
Absolute freedom is being able to do what you please without considering anyone except the wife and kids, the company and the boss, neighbors and friends, the police and government, the doctor and the church.
Advice from an old carpenter: Measure twice and saw once.
After adding two weeks to the schedule for, unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
After large expenditures of federal. state. and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding populace with noise, dust, and fumes, the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.
— Alan Deitz
Against stupidity, even the gods themselves contend in vain.
—Isaac Asimov
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing–and that was the closest our country has ever come to being even.
—Will Rogers
All committee reports conclude that it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure or organization, or whatever) at this time.
—Thomas L. Martin
All general statements are false. –R.H. Grenier
All government programs have three things in common: a beginning, a muddle, and no end.
All hierarchies contain administrators and managers, and they tend to appear at alternating levels in the hierarchies.
—Thomas L. Martin’
All men are born naked. –Carlos Eduardo Novaes
All policy interventions in social problems produce the intended effect—If the research is carried out by those implementing the policy or their friends
—James Q. Wilson
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
—Samuel Butler
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.
—Jim Fiebig,
All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
—Alexander Woollcott
All they (zoos) actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.
—H. L. Mencken
All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying “I resign.”
All you need to grow fine vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
–Agnes Allen
Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done, and why., Then do it.
—Lazarus Long
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Always verify your witchcraft.
An apology to the Devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case. God has written all the Books.
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett for her money–Edgar R. Fiedler

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