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If a man will go as far as he can see, he will be able to see farther when he gets there.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
—Donald A. Metz
If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself some dope will do it.
—Eric F. Russell
If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
–Richard A. Leary
If at first you don’t succeed, transform your data set.
If at first you don’t succeed, fry, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about things.
—W.C. Fields
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy Civilization.
—Gerald Weinberg
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If facts do not conform to theory, they must be disposed of
—N.R.F. Maier
If good intentions are combined with stupidity, it is impossible to outthink them.
I —Marion J. Levy Jr.
If humanity profits from its mistakes, we have a glorious future coming up.
If it can be understood, it’s not finished yet.
—Paul Herbig
If it is generally known what one’s supposed to be doing, then someone will expect him to do it.
—Merle P. Martin
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it works well, they’ll stop making it. If it works, don’t fix it.
—William O’Neill
If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians are delighted; musicians are denoted; cowboys are deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
—Virginia Ostman
If our standard of living gets much higher, most of us won’t be able to afford it.
If thou hast a loitering servant, send him forth on errand just before his dinner.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Lawrence J. Peter
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostilities
If you are concerned about being criticized, you’re in the wrong job. However you vote, and whatever you do, somebody will be out there telling you that you are: (a) wrong, (b) insensitive, (c) a bleeding heart, (d) a pawn of somebody else, (e) too wishy-washy, (f) too unwilling to compromise, (g) all of the above–consistency is not required of critics.
Pierre S. du Pont
If you are to understand others, and have them understand you, know all the big words but use the small ones.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation.
If you can’t beat them, have them join you.
—Charles Wolf Jr.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
—Harry S. Truman
If you develop rules, never have more than ten.
Donald Rumsfeld
If you don’t like the weather, move.
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he’ll get rich or famous or both.
—James C. Hagerty
If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you.; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.
If you pick up a dog and make ham prosper he will not bite you. This is the basic difference between dogs and humans.
—Mark Twain
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
—Derek Bok
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, set a committee working on it.
—Charles F. Kettering
If you were a character string, your length would be zero.
If you were confident after you’ve just finished an exam, it’s because you don’t know enough to know better.
—Jay Weisman
If you’re ever right, never let ’em forget it.
—Edgar Fiedler
If your parents didn’t have any children, the odds are that you won’t have any,
Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools
—Napoleon Bonaparte
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
In God we trust. All others pay cash.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take a man months to equal it.
In an undeveloped country don’t drink the water; in a developed country don’t breathe the air.
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. —Laurence J. Peter
In 1ife there is but one bad thing and one good; both of them are women.
In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something
—Harvey Neville
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don’t need it.
—John Cameron
In order to keep engineers and scientists cognizant of the importance of progress, load them down with forms, multiple reports, and frequent meetings
—Richard F. Moore
In order to make a person covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.
—Samuel Clemens
In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world. not to the man to whom the idea first occurs.
—Sir William Osler
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
–Franz Kafka
In times of crisis it is of utmost importance not to lose one’s head.
–Marie Antoinette
Infant care has to be learned from the bottom up.
Inflation is when the only thing free of charge is a rundown battery.
Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upwards.
—Paul Gray
Interrogator’s lunch–grilled cheese.
—Raymond D. Love
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
—Henry Allen
It is better to burn out than fade away.
—Neil Young
It is better to have nothing to· do than to be doing nothing
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.
—Anatole France
It is customary for a decimal to be misplaced.
It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is good that the young are beautiful; it’s the only advantage they have.
—Duchess of Windsor
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to make people understand their ignorance, for it requires knowledge to perceive it and therefore, he that can perceive it hath it not
—Jeremy Taylor
It is in the nature of mobs to cheer fools.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
It is not the disease but neglect of the remedy which generally destroys life.
It is not the quality of the meat, but the cheerfulness of the guests, that makes the feast.
—Lord Clarendon
It is often easier to earn money than it is to spend it wisely.
It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being deceived by cunning men.
—La Rochefoucauld
It is the great triumph of genius to make the common appear novel.
It is the height of absurdity to sow little but weeds in the first half of one’s lifetime and expect to harvest a valuable crop in the second half.
—Percy Johnson
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
—Lazarus Long
It may be true that human beings make more mistakes than computers, but for a real foul up, give us a computer anytime.
It was one of those perfect surer days–the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing,
the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken. –James Dent
It’s a good idea to keep your words soft and sweet to the taste. You may have to
eat them.
It’s a sad house where the cock is silent and the hen crows.
It’s better to keep your mouth closed and be presumed a fool than to open it and
remove all doubt.
It’s so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
JOB PLACEMENT: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Jones’s Law: The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Keep cool; especially during meltdowns.
Knowledge is power.
LIGHTWEIGHT: Lighter than rugged.
LINEAR MODEL: Any assumption concerning the nature of reality applied unquestioningly to every relationship as though God had determined that truth must always run in straight lines.
Last guys don’t finish nice.
—Stanley Kelly
Law of Institutional Food: Everything is cold except what should be.
Law of Institutional Food: Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
Law of Local Anesthesia: Never say “Oops” in the operating room.
—Dr. Leo Troy
Law of Social Dynamics: If, in the the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
—Phillip K. Saunders
Learn to be sincere…even if you have to fake it.
—Solomon Short
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let no man presume to give advice to others that has not first given good counsel to himself.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let us, then, be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving, still pursuing, learn to labor and to wait
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Liberals don’t care what people do, as long as it’s compulsory.
Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
—Will Rogers
Liberty is being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves to the things we do like.
—Ernest Benn
Life affords no higher pleasure than that of surmounting difficulties, passing from one step of success to another, forming new wishes and seeing them gratified.
—Samuel Johnson
Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from non-practitioners.
—G.O. Ashley
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
—Lazarus Long
Little progress can be made merely by repressing what is bad. Our great hope lies in developing what is good.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
—Joseph Wood Krutch
Love demands infinitely less than friendship.
—George Jean Nathan
Love laughs at locksmiths.
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
—Louise Beal
Love: the sole disease thou canst not cure.
—Alexander Pope
M.D. to patient: First the good news–you’re going to have a disease named after you.
METHODOLOGICALLY UNSOUND: Using old methodology with which I am unfamiliar.
Machines should work. People should think.
—IBM motto
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other’s gold.
Make other people like themselves a little better and rest assured they’ll like you very much.
Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world.
—Thomas Carlyle
Malpractice makes malperfect. —Solomon Short
Man is by nature metaphysical and proud. He has gone so Far as to think that the idealistic creations of his mind, which correspond to his feelings, also represent reality.
—Claude Bernard
Man is forbidden to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He acts against God’s command… From the standpoint of the Church, which represents authority, this is essentially sin. From the standpoint of man, however, this is the beginning of human freedom.
—Erich Fromm
Man shall never reach his full capacity while chained to the earth. We must take wing and conquer the heavens. —Icarus
Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis. —Gene Franklin
Management will select actions or events and convert them to crises. It will then over-react.
—Gene Franklin
Mankind has become so much of one family that we cannot insure our own prosperity except by insuring that of everyone else. If you wish to be happy yourself, you must also resign yourself to seeing others also happy.
–Bertrand Russell
Mankind would be vastly poorer if it had not been for men who were willing to take risks against the longest odds. Even if it could be done, we would be foolish to try to stamp out this willingness in man to buck seemingly hopeless odds. Our problem is how to remain properly venturesome and experimental without making fools of ourselves.
—Bernard Baruch
Many a family tree needs a trimming.
Many live by their wits but few by their wit. (On the other hand, the witty man merely says what you would have said if you had thought of it.)
—Laurence J. Peter
Many politicians are in the habit of laying it down as a self-evident proposition that no people ought to be free till they are fit to use their freedom. The maxim is worthy of the fool, who resolved not to go into the water till he had learned to swim.
—Thomas Babington Macaulay
Marxist law of distribution of wealth: Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant
—Malcolm Smith
May the Great Camel of Paradise bestow upon you and yours a dropping.
May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you’re dead.
Men are born with, two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
–Gene Fowler
Men fight for freedom; then they begin to accumulate laws to take it away from them.
Men must be either caressed or annihilated and the injury must be such that the
victim cannot pay you back for it. Whoever act otherwise is obliged to stand forever with a knife in his hand.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Mere longevity is a good thing for those who watch Life from the side lines. For those who play the game, an hour may be a year, a single day’s work an achievement for a lifetime.
—Gabriel Heatter
Metaphysics is the science of proving what we don’t understand.
—Josh Billings
Might may not be right, but it usually wins.
Miller’s Corollary: Objects are lost because people look where they aren’t instead of where they are.
Miraculous secret for the early recovery of patients: inflation.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it
—Russell Baker
Monday’s an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Money is a good servant…but a dangerous master.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
Money is truthful. If a person speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H.G. Wells
Most general statements are false–including this one.
—Edmund C. Berkeley
Most men have more courage than even they themselves think they have
Most of us will never do great things, but we can do small things in a great way.
Much that is dreadful and inhumane in history, much that one hardly likes to believe, is mitigated by the reflection that the one who commands and the one who carries out are different people. The former does not behold the sight and does not experience the strong impression on the imagination. The latter obeys a superior and therefore feels no responsibility for his acts.
—Frederick Nietzsche
Munroe’s Dictum: He that is without sin among you has been bored for a lllooonnnggg time.
Murphy’s Last Law: If nothing went wrong today, you are probably dead.
Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong will.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever goes wrong gets worse.
My brother is an only child.
—Bennett Cerf
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My mother loved children–she would have given anything if I had been one
—Groucho Marx
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
—Christopher Morley
NEW: different color from previous design.
NO MAINTAINANCE: impossible to fix.
Let’s club radioactive gay whales with native trees!
NULL HYPOTHESIS: The type of hypothesis used by a pessimist.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy.
For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to get creamed?
–Solomon Short
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature often enshrines gallant and noble hearts in weak bosoms–oftenest, God bless her! –in female breasts.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Never appeal to a man’s “better nature.” He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
—Lazarus Long
Never bow to authority, but always tip your hat.
—Jim Fiebig.
Never confuse motion with action.
—Benjamin Franklin
Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.
—Edmund C. Berkeley.
Never do anything for the first time.
—Paul Herbis.
Never find your delight in another’s misfortune.
—Publius Syrus.
Never insult an alligator until after you’ve crossed the river.
—Cordell Hull.
Never invest in anything that eats, or needs repainting.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
—Salvor Hardin.
Never say, “the White House wants”–Buildings don’t “want”
—Donald Rumsfeld.
Never say NO.
Never tamper with the truth. Never rationalize it. What you might like to believe is not necessarily the truth.
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will with their ingenuity surprise you.
—Gen George S. Patton.

This completes the collection. Merry Christmas!
Rick Lakin

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