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Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing it, and conquering it.
Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (he is also a fool.)
—Lazarus Long
Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village.
—Leonard Louis Levinson”
Courtship consists of a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm. Nor so vague as not to be understood. —Sterne
Coward–one who in perilous emergency thinks with his legs
—Ambrose Bierce
Cows may come and cows may GO, but the bull in this place goes on FOREVER!!!
Crane’s Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.
, —Bernice Fitz-Gibbon
Creditors have better memories than debtors: and creditors are a superstitious sect, great observers of set days and times. —Benjamin Franklin
Croll’s Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
Cunning and deceit will every time serve a man better than force
—Machiavelli
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
—Johnny Hart
Cynics are right nine times out of ten, what undoes them is their belief that they are right ten times out of ten.
—Prof. C.P. Issawi
Deception Experiment: An experiment in which the researcher is pleased to believe that the true nature of the situation is unknown to the participants. Typically, the only parties deceived are the funding agency and the Journal editor.
Diagnostic: software which runs to completion no matter how broken the hardware is.
DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash.
DIRECT SALES ONLY: Manufacturer had argument with distributor.
DOUBLE-BLIND EXPERIMENT: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy.
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by the contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
—Benjamin Ruhe
Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
—Lazarus Long
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
—James D. Davidson
Democracy can learn something from Communism: for example, when a Communist politician is through, he is through.
Democracy is a device that insures that we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
—George Bernard Shaw
Dialogue: opposing factions discussing relevant issues. Formerly called an argument.
—Paul Sweeney
Did you hear about the earthquake committee meeting that was adjourned by a motion from the floor?
Dimensions will be expressed in the least convenient terms, e.g.: Furlongs per Fort-
night2 = Acceleration.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it…You take diplomacy out of war. and the thing would fall flat in a week
—Will Rogers
Do not believe in miracles–rely on them
Never try to out-stubborn a cat. Lazarus Long
Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use one word when a dozen will suffice. —Paul Herbis
Nice going sweetheart. —Joe Patroni.
No action is without side effects. —Barry Commoner.
No amount of experimentation can prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.
—Albert Einstein.
No cord or cable can draw so forcible, or bind so fast, as love can with a single thread.
—Burton.
No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).
No good deed goes unpunished. —Clare Booth Luce
No man can be wise on an empty stomach. —George Elliot
No man was ever so much deceived by another man as by himself
—Grenville
No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small portion in the exchange. Corollary: Don’t try it; you cannot drink enough of your in-laws’ booze to get even before the liver fails.
—Jackson Clark
No matter how thin you slice it; it’s still baloney. —Alfred E. Smith
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No one is as tired as the person who does nothing.
No one is ever old enough to know better. —Holbrook Jackson
No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices.
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm; it is the real allegory of the tale of Orpheus; it moves stones, it charms brutes. Enthusiasm is the genius of sincerity, and truth accomplishes no victories without it. —Bulwer
Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire of appearing so.
—La Rochefoucauld
Nothing worth a damn is ever done as a matter of principal. If it is worth doing, it is done because it is worth doing. If it is not, it’s done as a matter of principal.
—James T. Evans
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same
—G.O. Ashley
Numbers are tools, not rules. —G.O. Ashley
ONE-SHOT CASE STUDY: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clover possesses four leaves and is sometimes green.
OSHA’s Discovery: Wet manure is: s1ippery. (Occupational Safety and Health Administration)
Obituaries are the last writes.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the agonies of life, that which is most poignant and harrowing–that which for the most time annihilates reason and leaves our whole organization one lacerated mangled heart–is the conviction that we have been deceived where we placed all the trust of love.
—Bulwer
Of all the strange “crimes” that human beings have legislated out of nothing, “blasphemy” is the most amazing–with “obscenity” and “indecent exposure” fighting it out for second and third place.
—Lazarus Long
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. —Mark Twain
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts—for support rather than illumination.
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live
—Conte Vittorio Alfieri
Old Jedi Knights never die; they just fade in and fade out.
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
On a beautiful day like this it’s hard to believe anyone can be unhappy, but we’ll work on it.
‘ —Donald Barr
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
—Will Rogers
On beginning play, as many balls as may be required to obtain a satisfactory result may be played from the first tee. Everyone recognizes a good player needs to “loosen up” but does not have time for the practice tee.
—Donald A. Metz
On curing the depression that comes with having to work for a living: stay home for a day and watch daytime TV. —Sheldon
On the other hand are four fingers and a thumb.
Once economists were asked, “If you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?” Today they’re asked, “Now that you’ve proved that you ain’t so smart, how come you got so rich?”
—Edgar R. Fiedler
Once is not enough. —Jacqueline Suzanne
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
—Franklin P. Jones
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
—Helen Keller
One cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs–but it is amazing how many eggs can break without making a decent omelet.
—Prof. C.P. Issawi
One does not have to keep bad governments in to keep Communists out.
—John Kenneth Galbraith
One fact is better than one hundred apologies.
One learns to itch where one can scratch.
One man with courage makes a majority.
One moment of patience may ward off a great disaster; one moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
One need only look at Dolly Parton to realize that good things don’t always come in small packages.
One of life’s greatest pleasures; paying the last installment.
One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people.
—Genghis Khan
One thing common to most success stories is the alarm clock.
One worthwhile task carried to a successful conclusion is worth half-a-hundred half-finished tasks. —B.C. Forbes
Only the incompetent and mediocre are always at their best.
Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.
—Shakespeare
Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
—Oliver Goldsmith
Our judgment can be no better than our information.
Our repentance is not so much regret for the evil we have done, as fear of its consequences.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN: will operate through warranty period.
POST-TEST: A test made too late.
PRE-TEST: A test made too soon.
Parkinson’s Law of 1000: An enterprise employing more than 1000 people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.
Parkinson’s Telephone Law: The effectiveness of a telephone conversation is in inverse proportion to the time, spent on it.
Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies
—John Sharkey
Passion often makes a madman of the cleverest man, and renders the greatest fools clever.
—La Rochefoucauld
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People are never so ready to believe you as when you say things in dispraise of yourself; and you are never so much annoyed as when they take you at your word.
—Somerset Maugham
People fail many times, but they become failures only when they begin to blame some one else.
People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you nag them to be.
—Ernest Bramah
People may forget how fast you did a job but they will remember how well you did it.
People seldom improve, when they have no other model but themselves to copy.
, —Oliver Goldsmith
People who believe that the dead never come back to life, should be here at quitting time.
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity of our time.
— Norman Cousins
People who fail to understand their past mistakes may be condemned to make them over again.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t stow trones.
People who lose their heads are usually the last to miss them.
People who run down others are making a roundabout way of praising themselves.
People who wait until they feel like doing a job…rarely do.
People who will not admit they’ve been wrong, love themselves more than they love the truth.
People who write the most interesting and effective letters never answer letters. They answer people.
People will be happy in about the same degree that they are helpful.
Perfect valor is to do unwitnessed what we should be capable of doing.
— Duc La Rochefoucauld
Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the, thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not.
— Thomas Henry Huxley

An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER proves it.
–Edmund C. Berkeley
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
–Gerald Weinberg
An expert is someone who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
An old car that served you so well will continue to serve you until you have just put four new tires under it and then it will fall apart.
–Erma Bombeck
An optimist is a person who goes to the window every morning and says, “Good morning God!” The pessimist goes to the window every morning and says, “Good god, morning.”
An optimist proclaims that this is the best of all possible worlds, and a pessimist fears that this is true.
And he gave it as his opinion. that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot if ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.
—Jonathon Swift
Andrew’s Canoeing Postulate: No matter which direction you start, it’s always against the wind coming back.
Energy-State: Any state of condition of the Universe or any portion of it which requires the expenditure of human effort or ingenuity to bring it into line with human desires, needs, or pleasures.
–Dr. John Gall
Anthony’s Law of Force: Don’t force it. Get a larger hammer.
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will role into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
—John Corcoran
Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied by the virtuous.
—Marion J. Levy Jr.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either totally obscure or completely mysterious.
—Dr. Fyodor Flap
Any jackass can, kick down a bar but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
–Sam Rayburn
Any large system is going to be operating most of the time in failure mode.
–Dr. John Gall
Any man can prove he has good judgment by saying you have.
Any man that can write, may answer a letter.
–Shakespeare
Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can’t be all bad.
–W.C. Fields
Any mind that is capable of real sorrow is capable of good.
Anyone can be great with money. With money, greatness is not a talent but an obligation. The trick is to be great without money. –Italo Bombolini
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
–Lazarus Long
Any race that doesn’t use all its potential will always stop short of its possibilities.
— Jose Torres
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
–Milt Barber
Any theory that can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
–Robert E. Schenk
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any vacuum cleaner would sooner take the nap off a rug than remove white threads from a dark rug.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
–George Ade
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining the government.
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
–David Broder
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
–Robert Benchley
Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
—Robin Hood
Anything free is worth what you paid for it.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
–Robert A. Jackson
Anything you can do I can do better; anything I can do you can do better; anything I can do I can do better: anything IBM does is going to cost more money.
Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.
–Colton
Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, squeak up!
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t move, pick it up; and if you· can’t pick it up, paint it.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign has ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. As a man may be eating all day, and for want of digestion is never nourished, so these endless readers may cram themselves in vain with intellectual food.
–Dr. I. Watts
As long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military glory will ever be the vice of the most exalted characters.
–Edward Gibson
As the dimensions of the tree are not always regulated by the size of the seed, so the consequences of things are not always proportionate to the apparent magnitude of those events that have produced them. –Colton
Ask five economists and you’ll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard).
–Edgar R. Fiedler
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. –Marshall Lumsden
At some point, every faculty would certainly lynch its dean–if it could only agree on a date.
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out. –Richard H. Brian
Atoms are made up of electrons and protons (protons are also nothing). Fifty billion electrons placed side by side in a straight line would stretch across the period at the end of this sentence. Protons are heavier but take up less space. Such an idea is incapable of being absorbed by the human mind
—John Lardner & Thomas Sugrue
Attention to detail is the watchword for gleaning information from an unsuspecting witness.
–Inspector Clouseau
Auditors always reject a newsman’s expense account with a bottom line divided by a 5 or 10.
Auditors are the people who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
Authority intoxicates, and makes mere sots of magistrates. The fumes of it invade the brain, and make men giddy, proud and vain; by this the fool commands the wise.
The noble with the base complies. The sot assumes the role of wit, and cowards make the base submit. –Butler
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry (nota bene: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead!). –Lazarus Long
Avoid strong drink. It makes you shoot at IRS agents–and miss
—Lazarus Long
BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than be repealed.
—Dalin B. Oaks
Banish Evil from the world? Nonsense! Encourage it, foster it, sponsor it. The world owes Evil a debt beyond imagination. Think! Without greed, ambition falters. Without vanity, art becomes idle musing.; Without cruelty, benevolence lapses into passivity. Where would be the savior of superior understanding? –Magnus Rudolf
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor–especially in the dark.
-Al Ross
Barr’s Hypothesis: Familiarity breeds content.
Bartz’s Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
–Wayne R. Bartz
Be a defensive driver. Buy a Tiger M31.
Be alert! America needs more lerts.
Be careful who you step on on the way up; you never know who you’ll pass on the way down.
Be like a duck–keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil under the water.
Be sure to save your money, you never know when it might be worth something again.
Be tolerant of those who disagree with you–after all, they have a right to their ridiculous opinions.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Beauty without virtue is like a flower without perfume.
Beck’s postulate: Murphy was an optimist.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Behind every argument is someone’s ignorance.
Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every great woman is a great behind.
–Anonymous male chauvinist
Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance…
–Lazarus Long
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think its important
—Eugene McCarthy
Better be alone than in bad company.
Better bend than break.
Better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a lamb.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before
—Mae West
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may. be reaching for the corner of the rug.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: a 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock and chain.
Big people are those who make us feel bigger when we are with them.
Biochemistry expands so as to fill the space and time available for its completion
and publication. –R.T. Hersh
Bismarck’s Law: The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they’ll sleep at night.
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed
—W.C. Bennett
Boren’s Law of Bureaucracy: When in doubt. mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in
charge, ponder. –James H. Boren
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
–Franklin P. Jones
Broken Mirror Law: Everyone breaks more than the seven year bad luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. –Rozanne Weissman
Build a system that even a fool could use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Burn’s Hog Weighing Method: Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. Put the hog on one end of the plank. Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
—Robert Burns
By the data to date, there is only one animal in the Galaxy dangerous to man—man himself. So he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no enemy to help him.
–Lazarus Long
By the time a person gets to greener pastures, he can’t climb the fence.
Cameras are so simple to operate now that taking pictures is much easier than getting friends to look at them. –Hugh Allen
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points
—M.M. Johnson,
Capital Punishment: the income tax.
Capitalism can ‘exist in one of only two states: welfare or warfare
—Bill Gray
Celibacy is not hereditary. –Guy Godin
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.
–Franklin P. Jones
Circular Definition: see Circular Definition.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colson’s Law: If you’ve got them; by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Committee–A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.” –Fred Allen
Committee–A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours
—Milton Berle
Committee–A group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.
–Stewart Harral
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Compared with everything else in data processing, paper is cheap; use it. But the value of a report decreases as the number of its pages increases.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable
—Tom Gibb
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost. ‘
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.
— Herb Caen
A man is never astonished that he doesn’t know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.
— Halliburton
A man never discloses his character so clearly as when he describes another’s.
— Jean Paul Richter
A man said to the universe, “Sir, I exist.”
“However,” replied the universe, “the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.”
— Stephen Crane
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man who can’t mind his own business is not to be trusted with the king’s.
— Saville
A man who studieth revenge keeps his wounds green.
— Francis Bacon
A man with one watch knows what time it is: a man with two watches is never sure.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man’s legs must be long enough to reach the ground.
— A. Lincoln
A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
: — Dean Acheson
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
— George Bernard Shaw
A person who can’t lead and can’t follow makes a dandy roadblock.
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a burnt match out the window of your, car and start a forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
A picture is a poem without words.
— Horace
A piece of electronic equipment is housed in a beautifully designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is (a little box containing the components which the designer forgot to make room for.
— Dennis Parsons
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root around the tree. A cow remarked, “You should not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die.” “Let it die,” said the pig, “who cares so long as there are acorns?”
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn’t lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, do not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word “but” which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative before they tell you. Thus: “I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but…” (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
— Frank Mankiewicz
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
— Byron
A professor’s enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
— Merle P. Martin
A real friend is a person who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through.
A recession is when my neighbor loses his job. A depression is when I lose my job. A panic is when my wife loses her job.
— Edgar R. Fiedler
A record of data is useful–it indicates that you’ve been working. A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power.
A religion can no more afford to degrade its Devil than to degrade its God.
A river flowing through one of our large Eastern cities is so polluted that it is considered a fire hazard!
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
— Prof. Charles P. Issawi
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
— Joseph Stalin
A successful person is one who went ahead and did the thin the rest of us never quite got around to.
A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.
A taste of irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. {Irony is when you buy a suit with two pair of pants–then burn a hole in the coat.)
— Jessamyn West
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.
— Sam Goldwyn
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises.
A winner says “Let’s find out.”; a loser Says “Nobody knows.”
A winner works harder than a loser and has more time; a loser is always too busy to do what is necessary.
A wise man who stands firm is a statesman, a foolish man who stands firm is a catastrophe.
A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.
— F. Shubert
A zygote is a gametes way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
— Lazarus Long
Running a project in this office is like mating elephants–it takes a great deal of time and effort to get on top of things; The whole affair is always accompanied by a great deal of noise and confusion, the culmination of which is heralded by loud trumpeting. After which. nothing comes of the effort for two years.
ACHTUNG: Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keep en hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
ADVANCED DESIGN: copy writer doesn’t understand it
ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous design
ARTIFACT: Something only an art major would know.
ARTIFACT: The only true fact in an experiment.
Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.
—Francis de La Rochefoucauld
Absence of occupation is not rest. A mind quite vacant is a mind distress’d.
—Cowper
Absolute freedom is being able to do what you please without considering anyone except the wife and kids, the company and the boss, neighbors and friends, the police and government, the doctor and the church.
Advice from an old carpenter: Measure twice and saw once.
After adding two weeks to the schedule for, unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
After large expenditures of federal. state. and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding populace with noise, dust, and fumes, the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.
— Alan Deitz
Against stupidity, even the gods themselves contend in vain.
—Isaac Asimov
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing–and that was the closest our country has ever come to being even.
—Will Rogers
All committee reports conclude that it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure or organization, or whatever) at this time.
—Thomas L. Martin
All general statements are false. –R.H. Grenier
All government programs have three things in common: a beginning, a muddle, and no end.
All hierarchies contain administrators and managers, and they tend to appear at alternating levels in the hierarchies.
—Thomas L. Martin’
All men are born naked. –Carlos Eduardo Novaes
All policy interventions in social problems produce the intended effect—If the research is carried out by those implementing the policy or their friends
—James Q. Wilson
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
—Samuel Butler
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.
—Jim Fiebig,
All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
—Alexander Woollcott
All they (zoos) actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.
—H. L. Mencken
All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying “I resign.”
All you need to grow fine vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
–Agnes Allen
Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done, and why., Then do it.
—Lazarus Long
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Always verify your witchcraft.
An apology to the Devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case. God has written all the Books.
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett for her money–Edgar R. Fiedler

Yesterday, I learned that a Muslim is a person who practices the faith of Islam. I learned that the friend has relatives in three countries and each of those family members is impacted by violence by, for, or against people living in those countries.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

I remembered that verse because we sang it in 9th grade choir. Every American is either on of those or a descendent of someone who came to America for a better life. Even the Native Americans are descended from Asians who crossed a land bridge 13,000 years ago looking for a better life.

Is America no longer a “shining city on a hill?” Often attributed to President Reagan, the quote actually comes from a Puritan preacher, John Winthrop in 1630.

Are America’s fears and problems so great now that we cannot offer promise to the “huddled masses yearning to breathe free?”

Americans seem to fear violence to such a great degree that they will impose violence to keep themselves safer. That is a true oxymoron. Americans have a crisis of intellect in that they fear violence but they see it as a solution to their problems.

I remember the Sunday School Story about the Warm Fuzzies and the Cold Pricklies. If you substitute peace in the story, we will never have Peace until we learn to share it and promote it and see it as the solution.

So, I wish you Peace for the Holidays and for you to set a New Year’s resolution that Peace is a Solution.

During Easter Week of 1982, I was serving aboard the USS Drum (SSN-677) and we made a port visit to Perth, Australia. I had occasion to visit an Apple Computer store and was given the gift of 27 pages of Computer Taglines. After 33 years, I return these gems to the Internet.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don’t think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don’t think they would let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won’t always hear “On the other hand…”
– – Edgar R. Fiedler
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000—by which time it will be worth nothing.
—Lazarus Long
‘Tis better that a man’s own works, than another man’s words should praise’ him.
— L’Estrange
‘Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, and robes the mountain in its azure hue.
— Campbell
‘Tis not the fairest form that holds the mildest, purest soul within; ‘Tis not the richest plant that holds the sweetest fragrance in.
— Dawes
‘Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall.
— Shakespeare
‘Tis strange the miser should his cares employ to gain the riches he can ne’er enjoy.
— Alexander Pope
(a) Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring credit upon the performance personnel–it merely proves the task was easier than expected; (b) failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically incompatible.
— Richard F. Moore
The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater their productivity.
— Richard F. Moore
TRC eht edisni deppart rna I !pleH
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate greyhound bus.
8:30, Chan. 7: Bewitched. Tabitha gets carsick and turns Darin into a plastic bag.
9:00, Chan. 5: I Dream of Jeannie. Jeannie and Major Nelson discover new things to do with Jeannie’s bottle.
A “critic” is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is unbiased–he hates all creative people equally. — Lazarus Long
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
— Donald A. Metz
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
— Donald A. Metz
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so on. The list is endless.
— John Joyce
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
A camel is a horse planned by a committee.
— Vogue Magazine
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
A college education shows a man how little other people know.
— Halliburton
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
— Elbert Hubbard
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A compromise: the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
— Marvin Kitman
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
— H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
— Edgar A. Shoaff
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
— James H. Boren
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
— Lazarus Long
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title. It teaches men to call him count and duke. And to forget his proper name of fool.
— Crowne
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers—whom it regards as its servant—at any time.
— Harry V. Jaffa
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women–all at the same time. It was, a lovely funeral.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.
— Zimmerman
A great fortune is a great slavery.
— Seneca
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn’t lose her confidence.
A journalist, is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
— Napoleon Bonaparte
A king’ s castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light heart lives long.
— Shakespeare
A light supper, a good night’s sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
— Chesterfield
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
—Solomon Short

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

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James Hansen, NASA’s former lead climate scientist, and 16 co-authors, many of whom are considered among the top in their fields—conclude that glaciers in Greenland and Antarctica will melt 10 times faster than previous consensus estimates, resulting in sea level rise of at least 10 feet in as little as 50 years. Courtesy of Slate.com. Link to Hansen’s Report

Impact of Sea Level Rise

What does that mean to the San Diego Metropolitan area? To put it most vividly, Interstate 5 will be under water in at least 8 places south of Camp Pendleton and the jets landing at Lindbergh Field will need pontoons.

San Diego Map of Sea Level Rise Impact

The blue areas of San Diego will be under water with a 10 foot sea rise.

San Diego is hardly the most threatened city in California. At least 300,000 people will be underwater in the corridor from Stockton to Sacramento. The Port of Los Angeles and Long Beach face a much larger challenge than our city.

If San Diego does nothing, we will lose over a trillion dollars in real estate, recreational area and, most importantly, maritime industry including our Navy Harbor. Is there a solution?

Solution to Catastrophic Sea Rise

I propose that we go Dutch. Twenty-six percent of Holland is below sea level. I propose that the San Diego Association of Governments (SANDAG) immediately begin plans to construct a 20 foot tall sea wall and levee system from Puente La Playa in Tijuana, Mexico to Point Loma. A separate stucture would be built to preserve Mission Bay. This would require that the Tijuana River be rerouted to the bottom of San Diego Bay.

Preserving commerce in the bay would require that a locking system be built at Point Loma to allow sea traffic in and out of the bay. The ecology of the bay would be preserved by allowing sea water to flow into the bay at the mouth of the Tijuana River but it would have to be pumped out at Point Loma. It might also be necessary to temporarily separate the flow of the Tijuana River into the bay in case of sewage contamination and that would require marine structures to be built.

Will there be challenges? The minimum cost for this project will be $50 Billion in today’s dollars. Wait a few years and the price will double or quadruple. The environmental impact and the engineering challenges will be significant. The Not-in-my-backyard crowd will stack this up in the courts for years.

My response to those concerns comes from the words of God to Noah as spoken by a recently disgraced comedian from his comedy routine of the sixties, “How long can you tread water?”

<November 23> Items compiled from various sources including the Crime Statistics Bureau – San Francisco.*

1. Driving a car to work.
2. Living in a city where citizens are permitted to carry guns in public.
3. Walking out in the open during a thunder storm.
4. Getting into a confrontation with a police officer while black.
5. Swimming in the ocean off Ballston Beach, Maine at dusk.
6. Living in a home with a depressed individual who owns a gun.
7. Being without health care in Alabama.
8. Being a woman whose only option is to get an illegal abortion.
9. Falling out of Bed
10. Being a Muslim in the United States.

*A west coast think tank cited by leading Republicans

<November 28> Before I posted this 5 days ago, I deleted one item as too far-fetched and too argumentative. I add it back now upon reflection.

11. Working in a Planned Parenthood Center

America has a domestic terrorism problem. It is exemplified by the event yesterday in Colorado where a lone gunman entered a Planned Parenthood Clinic. Two civilians and one police officer are dead. At least 9 others are wounded.

Four Planned Parenthood clinics were the targets of attacks in the past four months, including a Washington state clinic that was set on fire and one in California that was fire-bombed in a similar fashion.

Our militant Christian churches radicalize these jihadists. Our gun manufacturers and the NRA arm them. Our GOP presidential candidates cheerlead for them. Our Republican Congress facilitates their access to weapons. And FoxNews glorifies them.

Pregnant women who seek to control their bodies and their destiny are the targets.

Satisfy the Customer Corporation

Happy Thanksgiving! I had a reasonably pleasant turkey dinner at Black Angus in Chula Vista but one part of it reminded me why I detest corporate restaurant chains.

The Turkey Dinner comes with the basic fixings including mashed potatoes. I asked to substitute the au gratin potatoes for the mashed potatoes. Everyone seemed to be well aware that the corporate office forbids substitutions on the turkey dinner.

The single most important thing you can do for your business is to get to work building true customer loyalty, one customer at a time.
—Micah Solomon, Forbes Website

So I asked the manager to explain and he stated that the turkey dinner was priced out a certain way and he said, “If we do it for one customer, we have to do it for them all.” I am sure that he knew he was sacrificing my customer loyalty to serve his corporate superiors.

The business model for corporate chains is the opposite of mom and pop or as I call them, one-off restaurants. The one-off is competing against the restaurant down the street, including the corporate stores. The employees know that they are working for me, the customer. They provide quality service, I deliver loyalty.

When I walk into a corporate chain, I feel like I am treated like a revenue unit rather than a customer. For example, as a single male, I am always pointed to a barstool rather than a table. My experience at Black Angus in Chula Vista is probably not the worst but it is exemplary of the dedication of the employees to the corporation rather than the customer. I am not that old but I am old enough to remember a time before the corporations began to force down our expecations to this level.

I told my waitress that it is too bad that she will never grow old enough to remember a time when the number one rule in business was, “Satisfy the Customer.”